THINK TWICE: DOWN THE WORMHOLE
A Macro Human
Techno Messiah Story
CHARACTERS:
VEXA VIRTUEOCITY—lover---in-your-face cyber-activist in love with her idea of saving
the world; determined to stop the advance of the Mind Web Inc, mind reading
technology
BEN THERE—the lover—our hero…web programmer, works for Mind Web Inc., is
somewhat unsure of the mind web technology, wonders whether all of this
complexity can really make life simpler, a romantic, compassionate man at
heart, long ago ex-lover of Vexa’s
RED WONGLY—zani—Ben There’s roommate, total techno drone…funny, personifies the
extreme consumerism/the typical consumed consumer; completely addicted and
blindly adoring the techno system; she has the To Do chip.
LORDA TECHNOTRIX—brigella—she is the president of Mind Web Inc.; at first, she seems
well intended (she’s offering humanity a valuable, time-saving service, isn’t
she?!) but turns out to be an evil mistress of technology who wants to use the
TO DO chip to take over the world
MS SMITH & MS JONES—real world employees of
Mind Web Inc./report to Lorda
BIT & BYTE—harliquinas—live and work the inside of the computer; they are the
personification of the virtual network
LORDA’s office
inside
the network of the mainframe web at Mind Web Inc Headquarters
BEN and RED’s cubby hole apartment cubicle
SCENE 1—info jingle/intro
[LORDA, JONES (BIT, 1) SMITH (BYTE, 0), and VEXA, in office wear like the others but skulking behind them, not quite
belonging to the picture]
JONES: Yesterday at work, I thought, steak would be wonderful for dinner
tonight. But after work, I had to take
Jimmy to dance class, Sharon to soccer practice, do my kick-boxing yoga at the
gym--
SMITH: I knew the other day that
my feet hurt, but I didn’t even have time to take off my shoes, much less buy
the Perky Pedestrian Pumps that would have solved my problem!
JONES: --pick up the kids, and
prep for sex with my husband because I’m ovulating today! I barely have time to think—
SMITH: --much less do!
LORDA: Does this sound familiar?
Are you stressed, tired, over-extended?
Does it seem as if life is getting more complicated, rather than simpler?
Jingle beat
Well,
we have the solution. Think with us,
and we’ll do it for you! Here at Mind
Web, we’ve revolutionized the communication paradigm to make your life simpler—
JONES: …easier?—
SMITH: …smoother?—
LORDA: …with the To-Do Chip.
[VEXA spasms, goes into predatory mode before remembering and resuming her
facade of Mind Web drone]
LORDA: With the To-Do Chip,
simply think of something, anything—
JONES: Dinner for the family.
SMITH: My feet hurt.
LORDA: And we’ll immediately deliver the solution, with no action
necessary on your part!
DELIVERY PERSON (CAMEO): [enters, offers shoes and
steak on a platter] Delivery [exits]
LORDA: Here at Mind Web, we’re actually able to offer you the most
valuable commodity in the world: time.
Just sign over any three of eight convenient major credit cards, and the
ToDo Chip is yours. Mind Web: think
with us, and we’ll do it for you.
OFFSTAGE VOICE: [said rapidly, in lawyerese] Customer acknowledges that MIND WEB is
not responsible for any skill or judgment used in selecting products and agrees
that unwanted products must be returned within fifteen minutes of receipt of
the time of delivery to avoid charge for product.
OFFSTAGE VOICE: Cut!
LORDA: Alright, folks, it’s a wrap; we’ll be broadcasting that in a few
days. Back to work, back to work. exits
JONES: Wow, working at Mind Web is so exciting! I never thought I’d be an actress!
SMITH: And what a privilege to tell people about the ToDo Chip!
VEXA: aside To contribute to the mass extinction of free thought.
JONES: Hmm?
VEXA: Oh, the convenience of thought!
And technology! Together!
JONES: Ahhh...shakes Vexa’s hand,
looks at Palm Pilot, confusion
JONES & SMITH: [hostile] Are you new?
VEXA: Uh, yes! Very new! Just got here today! Very pleased to be here, being new and
all... gets hold of self, stops babbling
SMITH: Well, you should go by HR and get your handprint entered into the
database, or you’ll just be a blank on everyone’s palm pilot.
JONES & SMITH: Bye.
VEXA: Oh, yes, I will! And is
HR near the main control room?
JONES: Yes, just down the hall
MUSIC CUE: whistle sound
LORDA: [over loudspeaker] Time for mandatory employee
self-massage. You only have five minutes to relax your back and increase your
productivity.
JONES & SMITH: [begin to do chanting massage type exercise]
VEXA: [humored, annoyed and astonished, she points] Down this hall?
JONES & SMITH: [spoken while self-massaging] naaaaaaaw
VEXA: [points] This one?
JONES & SMITH: [spoken while
self-massaging] yaaaaaaaeh
VEXA: Technology is
de-humanizing us!
SMITH: What did you say? [both
Smith and Jones eye her cautiously]
VEXA: Uh, technology is re-juvenizing us? [VEXA begins to self massage, soothing SMITH & JONES]
MUSIC CUE: whistle sound
LORDA: Times up. Get Back to
work.
[JONES and SMITH exit.
VEXA reveals her camo-love-bead-undercover garb and begins looking around
the stage stealthily, talking to herself]
VEXA: Drones, mindless cogs in the capitalist machine. You couldn’t pay me enough to sell out to
some weird mind-reading technology. [to audience] You’ve all done it, I
bet!
MUSIC CUE: cell phone ringing sound
VEXA: Ah ha! An obedient dog on an electronic leash! And your palm pilot, with your whole life
compressed down to four inches and 50 megabytes. You can’t interact with the world without an interface to help
you [in the audience now, nose to nose
with someone in space-invader mode, nabbing one device after another],
you’ve lost all natural social skills!
MUSIC CUE: pager sound
VEXA: A pager—how about “hello”?
Do you have emotions, or just bandwidth? [Pulls a laptop out of
person’s coat] Could you even hold
a pen, or is your signature virtual now?
[abandons person] I’ve got to find the mainframe.... [checks
her palm pilot; looks up] Yeah, I’ve got one, too, for the greater
good. You know what else I’ve got? [pulls
fuzzy red worm out of pack, scary sound cue] Fight fire with fire! I’m
going to tear down the walls you’ve built around yourselves and let in the
sunlight!
[LORDA’s voice approaches from offstage, VEXA hides beneath her black
coat]
LORDA: [talking on her cell] Can’t make them buy it? Free will is just an
excuse for your marketing failures.
You’ve got one more week to catch up with Bartlett—he’s already got 99%
of New Zealand wired into my network…[looks
at the black heap] and have somebody call the janitor and get this dirty
heap off my floor. or fire him [exits other side of stage]
[VEXA looks after her, relieved to have escaped detection, and makes for LORDA’s
office (which is revealed somehow? set
design comes in here)]
VEXA: Lorda Technotrix. The
mainframe must be around her somewhere.
[VEXA
finds the big box, doesn’t regard or even
notice signs reading ‘Danger, Keep Out,’ finds a hatch that she looks through,
reaches for her pack…
MUSIC
CUE:
virtual travel sound
VEXA: Whoa....
[hatch sucks her in]
SCENE 2—day in the
life/contact
[opens with our hero BEN THERE alone
“programming” in the apartment cubby he shares with RED. RED just got the chip,
and is obsessed with testing it out… throughout the scene she interfers with BEN, who is trying to work …]
RED: [enters, excited] I am
so glad to be alive. The world can’t
get much better than this. I’m hungry.
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [Fields a package of Hostess Snow Balls, reacts like she’s just caught
a pop fly in the bleachers] Oh Yeah. [tears
open the package and takes a bite] Hey Ben.
BEN: Yeah?
RED: Guess what came in the mail today…
BEN: The fan for my 1mil giga hertz computer?
RED: [whispers seductively] No Ben…The Chip.
BEN: What chip?
RED: [launches in to the
marketing pitch gospel] The TO DO chip.
The technology of convenience.
Watch. [searching for a thought,
takes her a while to come up with one]…I’m hungry. [[Picks up a jar jelly]
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [catches peanut butter slices get lobbed over the stage, she picks them
up and shows them to BEN] Look, jiffy slices.
BEN: Okay…so it makes your needs easier to satisfy…but is that better?
RED: [looks at peanut butter then
realizes] what? No bread…
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [bread lands on the stage,
proceeds to make a PB& J sandwich and eat it…the peanut butter affects her
speech] The to do chip even knows what I want without me having to say
it…watch…
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [a can of pepsi lands on stage, RED
picks it up and offers it to BEN]
BEN: [pushes can away,
sarcastically] No robot juice for me, thank you.
RED: [opens the can and starts
guzzling] Have you been reading Ad Busters?
BEN: I’m just not convinced, that’s all.
RED: [holds up the chip, which is
a mini post it pad] Ben, look at it.
It’s amazing.
BEN: Well, I gotta say, it does have defraction grade
multicrystalization nano meme specific design.
So where does this one go?
Behind the ear?
RED: Not exactly.
BEN: The nose?
RED: umm…
BEN: Is it a pill?
RED: No. It…[she whispers the rest in his ear]
BEN: [shocked, he covers his
rear] Not there.
MUSIC CUE: slide whistle insertion sound [done while RED mimes the
suppository insetion]
RED: The first 600 hours are free.
BEN: What’s next? Starbucks Vente Frappachino alarm
clocks?
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [catches starbucks cup]
BEN: Ho Ho’s from heaven?
OFF STAGE: Delivery
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound
RED: [catches ho ho’s]
BEN: I don’t trust it. Once
upon a time…
MUSIC
CUE: Fairy tale ping…
BEN: the web was used to share
ideas and thoughts…back before they parceled cyberspace into dot coms…
RED: Jez. You’re starting to
sound like that wacko from college.
What was her name…Vex?
BEN: [defensively, yet also
dreamily] Vexa…
MUSIC CUE: Lover sound
OFF STAGE: Delivery!
MUSIC CUE: delivery sound [a heart
shaped box of chocolates lands onstage and RED picks it up]
RED: [eating chocolates]
Yeah, what a weird chick. God did she
have a bleeding heart.
BEN: [hearts go off behind Ben’s
eyes, then sheepishly]…She was beautiful, the most non-virtual girl I’d
ever met. So full of carbon. I could kick myself now for sticking to my
Game Boy and letting her run off to Guatemala to fight the Matrix alone.
RED: I could never be with a woman like that. [makes a lascivious
face, which Ben notices..Red tries to hide her thought, but it’s too late]
MUSIC CUE: delivery cue
OFF STAGE: Delivery
RED: [catches box marked “inflatable woman” then hides it nervously]
BEN: You like women?
RED: [ grappling with the box] I mean…uh…I could never be with a WOMAN
[nervously sneaks box, grabs it and runs
into the bathroom and closes the door]
BEN: [looks at his computer
screen, confused] What’s this?
Wonder Twin Geek Boy. Red, did
you write this?
RED: [from off stage, obviously
preoccupied, then] No.
BEN: That’s what she called me
MUSIC CUE: love sound
BEN: …nobody knows that,
except…
VEXA: You wish your dad was
William Shatner …your first dog was named Pixel…
BEN: Oh my god…Vexa? Is that
you?
VEXA: Help me Ben…I’m trapped in the network.
BEN: But how…
VEXA: There’s no time for details.
You must help me stop the spread of the Mind Web technology. It is pure evil.
BEN: What? You are just as
crazy as ever aren’t you?
VEXA: I’m going to reintroduce the Worm…
BEN: [salaciously] you mean Mr. Winky
VEXA: [Embarassed]…The Red Worm.
MUSIC CUE: fear sound
VEXA: snd destroy the TO DO chip and save the human race.
BEN: [her threat causes him panic] No, n…no…not the Red Worm.
MUSIC CUE: fear sound
VEXA: [now her activist hysteria
flares and she whines] but there is no other way. The proliferation of To Do must be stopped…
BEN: You’re insane. I’m
calling Mind Web.
VEXA: Ben, you’ve got to trust me.
Remember how it was between us?
It’ll be just like old times again…
MUSIC CUE: Those were the Days…
[VEXA AND BEN burst into the love song below…sung as an
Archie and Edith style parody of the tune “Those Were the Days" used as
the theme song for “All In The Family”…]
VEXA: Boy the way our browsers played
VEXA: Sites that made the hit parade.
VEXA: Geeks like us we had it made,
BEN & VEXA: Those were the
days.
BEN: And you knew who you were then,
BEN: Gates was rich and pens were zen
BEN & VEXA: Webmistress we could use a man
BEN & VEXA: Like Steven Jobs again.
BEN: Didn't need no encryption state,
VEXA: Everybody emailed straight.
BEN: Gee our old Pentium 4 ran great.
BEN & VEXA: Those were the
days.
VEXA: Remember Ben…
BEN: Okay…just give me a little time…I can hack the code.
[at
end of song BEN sits down to start re-coding the programming…]
SCENE 3—VEXA becomes another
drone in cyberspace
VEXA: [wrapping up her
conversation with BEN] I’ll give
you two hours, starting right now…[closes
her palm pilot lid with a snap and unplugs connection, hides her palm pilot,
then under her breath in a gumshoe activist tone]
[VEXA wanders around the virtual innards,
increasingly realizing the severity of her situation…she clutches her worm the
whole time, BIT & BYTE enter, two virtual workers,
equipped with palm pilots, headsets, and power cords]
BIT: One
BYTE: Zero
BIT: Peter Gumly is afraid to kiss Marsha.
BYTE: Extra Strong Lysterine…
BIT: and Certs
BYTE: $9.99
VEXA: Wait…
BYTE: Why aren’t you working?
VEXA: [stalling for time] Who
are you?
BIT & BYTE: [on cue, as a
commercial, sung to the tune of the jingle in scene 1] Welcome to Mind Web
Incorporated.
BIT: Think with us…
BYTE: and we’ll do it for you
BIT: I’m Bit.
BYTE: I’m Byte.
VEXA: You can help me. You work for Lorda Technotrix don’t you?
BIT: Why yes, Ms Technotrix…
BYTE: is going to revolutionize the world…
BIT: make life simpler…
BYTE: easier…
BIT: smoother…
BYTE: simpler…
BIT: easier…
BYTE: smoother…
BIT: simpler…
VEXA: [stops their loop---which
is connected to the opening jingle] We must defeat her.
BIT: Why would you say such a thing.
Ms Technotrix helps people. Mind
Web is a community service.
BYTE: [not listening to VEXA, says to BIT] Where’s her
USB Port? [Vexa pats her pocket, making
sure her palm pilot is still hidden]
BIT: Goodness, she doesn’t have one.
BYTE: Must remedy that.
VEXA: I don’t want one
BIT: It’s company policy.
VEXA: I’m a freelancer
BYTE: [presses on her palm pilot
in search of “freelancer”] What department is that?
BIT: Don’t know.
VEXA: I mean a Temp
BIT: [looks at BYTE] Ohhh
BIT & BYTE : [nod at each other in recognition, relieved]…An attachment file!
BIT & BYTE: [on cue, as a
commercial, sung to the tune of the jingle in scene 1] Welcome to Mind Web
Incorporated.
BIT: Think with us…
BYTE: and we’ll do it for you.
BIT: I’m Bit.
BYTE: I’m Byte.
BIT: You are going to love it here.
BYTE: or hate it. Here [hands her an imaginary cord]
VEXA: Hey, what’s this?
BIT & BYTE:: [don’t even notice her complaints and start
back to work]
VEXA: [watches them incredulously,
then with disgust as she realizes they are giving people more than they want to
make more money]
BIT: One
BYTE: Zero
BIT: Amy Extrada thinks she’s fat
BYTE: can of Slim Fast…
BIT: and Avion water
BYTE: $4.99
VEXA: Wait. That’s not…
BIT: One
BYTE: Zero
BIT: Jimmy Dalford jr is bored
BYTE: Lion King Video…
BIT: and a box of Fruit Loops
BYTE: $29.99
VEXA: That not…He just wanted a video..
BIT: One
BYTE: Zero
BIT: Don Log can’t get it up
BYTE: Viagra…
BIT: September’s Hustler.
BYTE: and two dozen condolence roses to Mrs. Log.
BIT: $59.99
VEXA: [looks over their shoulder and realizes they are over supplying
the thought] oh my god…Lorda and her Mind Web are more evil than I ever
imagined.
[BIT & BYTE continue working in
soundless pantomime]
BEN: [taps on his laptop from
the other side of the stage] Vexa,
are you in there?
VEXA: [taps on her palm pilot]
Ben?
BEN: Vexa?
MUSIC CUE: Lover sound.
VEXA: Ben? [pause] Finally. Ben, I gotta get out of here. I’ve got two virtual information humpers
named Bit and Byte plugging me in, oiling me, poking me.
BEN: Relax, they’re only ONES and ZEROS.
VEXA: This place is crazy, worse than I thought. They’re inserting
extra products into customer thought and giving people more than they asked
for. Consume consume. I’m going to unleash the Red Worm…
MUSIC CUE: fear sound
VEXA: and put us all out of the misery that is sure to come if this
Mind Web technology grows any more powerful.
BEN: You can’t.
VEXA: Says who?
BEN: The Red Worm
MUSIC CUE: fear sound…
BEN: has been dormant since its capture in 1988, when it almost
destroyed all hope of techno human relations.
If you set it free now, not only will it kill you but it will erase
every hard drive in the world and destroy the Internet.
VEXA: What’s so bad about that.
BEN: [